Monday, March 2, 2009

Don't catch the 'New Era' you will look like a tool....

Apparently I missed the memo in fashion. Or being cool. Someone please forgive me... Or, everyone else just missed the memo that our human heads are in fact round, and baseball caps are wonderfully shaped and styled to be ergonomically correct. It's amazing how that works.

You can create a stitch, and cut a material to fit a body that was designed before the design of the 'New Era'. Incredible. I thought maybe that I had missed something however, with the increasing number of folks who keep their rims as flat as possible.

Dude, your face just isn't shaped that way. Calm yourself.

Maybe that dates me. Growing up in a time when it was better to curve your hat, or you looked too nerdy. There were practices in the idea of 'breaking in' a hat. Many hats were sold with curve already in them. This, to me, makes sense. Heads are round. Rims are curved. Perfect harmony.

Call me old school, but I think a flattened rim looks hideous. I've been horribly internally tempted to run up to a kid on the train and just bend his rim. See what would happen.

Or, better yet. Rip that freaking holographic sticker off.

What could he do? (I would say he/she here, however, I haven't seen any women with this Socially Transmitted I will stick with my fairly large survey sample, and let it be many many boys in the Philadelphia area, between the ages of 11 and 27 is my best guess)

Seriously, I want to walk up to one of them with my bright red, worn in, rim bent Phillies hat, and rip that sticker off. Look at them for a long minute, and then fasten that sticker at the top of one of the bent sides of my rim.

The look in the face of a tool abiding boy after I've just seemingly ripped him of his manhood? Cool status? What am I seemingly ripping him of here? I have no idea.

In the vain of education I did some research.

Apparently, I am not the only one out there that thinks the sticker on the hat is stupid. There's been many a question posted on many a blog out in the vast world wide web.

A little google-ing, and already, I feel smarter.

According to the mass bloggers, question answerers, and authenticators at hand on this glorious, sound, and effective research tool known as the internet, there are several reasons for a young lad to leave the sticker on his baseball hat after purchase.

  1. He's an idiot. (Ok, fair enough... this is my reason, but I figured, if the bloggers are just as sound research-wise, and I am one of them... and this is my blog. What the hell.)
  2. Keeping the sticker proves that it is an 'Authentic'. This answer baffles me. It's an authentic hat? Well, if it goes on your head.... pretty damn authentic. No? Or can it be a fake hat? I'm so confused by the fake-ness of time and space, and matter and gravity.
  3. Looking further, the sticker is proving the 'Authenticity' of the New Era brand. First of all, before this whole idea of the hats with sticker, I don't think I've ever really known of the New Era brand itself. And being an avid baseball fan, I feel that the entire sample of folks that have this instilled in their soul.. needing to prove authenticity for a brand that means little to the actual sport of baseball as it were... is being scammed. Poor poor kids.
  4. Furthermore, the authenticity of these baseball caps mean nothing, if they're not the same ones the players are wearing. And they are not. Some of them have funky patterns on them, and do not look like they even are attempting to represent the team, of which the logo is still hidden somewhere on the article. Very strange. Indeed.
  5. I've never seen a baseball player with a sticker on their hat. No, wait. That's a lie. I believe I did see one on Ryan Howard's hat.... minutes after they won the World Series in 2009. And I believe that those hats might have been new. :)
  6. Ok, I've realized that the numbers mean nothing anymore having jumped from reasons that they wear them, and reasons that I think stickers on hats are stupid. Such the design of this rant I suppose, and I will continue in this non-structured structural manner as I see fit.
  7. I have seen quite a few people complain that removing the sticker creates a sticky circle where dust can now collect and make your brim look dirty. This is the funniest reason to me, and yet at least I understand it. This is something you all should flock to the manufacturer with complaints on. You passive aggressive fools. (hm... well, it does attract dust... hm... I'll just leave it.... you are so tough)
  8. As for me. I'll keep buying my hats from lids, bending the crap out of the brim, and avoid ripping stickers off of random passerbyers.

Go Phillies. Baseball season is so close. :)